Learning How to Say “No”

Until recently, I was never a “YES” gal. I was always a “maybe, depending on who else is going or not” or weigh-the-options-too-long-and-lose-the-opportunity type of person. I was stuck in my comfort zone, afraid of stepping too far out, living in the safety net. I was missing out on so much of life just out of pure anxiety and fear.

But now — I’m a “YES” kind of a gal.

Now that I’m more comfortable with myself (and still slightly a people pleaser) I say “yes” to (almost) everything. This goes for exploring new places, traveling alone, eating new food, meeting new people, and trying new things. I’m all for allowing yourself to being vulnerable and uncomfortable. My new found mindset is “if something scares you, then it’s definitely worth challenging” and it has helped me overcome a lot of fears and anxieties. This past year alone, I’ve met so many people all over the world just because I said “yes”. I’ve gained so much confidence from pushing myself out of comfort zones and conquering things that seem scary.

But saying “YES” isn’t what this post is about. It’s about saying no.

Saying “yes” sounds like a positive thing, but it’s not always. I say “yes” mostly because I want to, but ironically I struggle with saying “no” at times therefore I just say “yes”. I don’t know how to say “no” because I prioritize the other person’s interest because I’m still somewhat of a people pleaser. I do things I don’t really want to do to make the other person happy. Writing this out just makes it even more clear how ridiculous this sounds. Least to say my own feelings becomes collateral damage. Maybe you’re a people pleaser also. That’s okay, as long as you consider your needs and your best interest at a high priority. To do so, I had to learn how to say “no” again.

So 2019 is going to be the year of learning how to say NO.

I want to be able to say “no” and prioritize my self more. I really struggle with losing sight of what I want because of what someone else wants from me. So I’m actively working on changing that and standing up for what I want. It’s so important to put yourself first and consider your best interest first. It sounds selfish, and hell it might be, but you have to consider if it’s really in the best interest for you. It’s nice to live selflessly and helping friends in need, but it’s also important to consider to if it’s healthy for you to be saying yes.

I once had a friend that would break up with their partner on a weekly basis and ask me to come over. I’d run over to make sure everything was okay and comfort them. 24-72 hours later, they were back together. It was a vicious cycle and I was exhausted. I felt like my friendship was being taken advantage of. I wanted to help but at a certain point, it was becoming toxic for me and I had to draw the line. There’s only so much I can do as a friend. I’m not a certified couples therapist, I can do my best in supporting and being a friend but there’s only so much I can do. At a certain point, you have to hand it off to a licensed professional. There was more to it all, but in the end, I decided that it was best to step away from the whole friendship for my own mental health. It was a hard decision to make considering I cared about my friend but I had to prioritize my mental health. It’s hard saying no to people you care about, but sometimes you really have to for your own sake.

This goes for everything from helping friends, to seeing your ex for lunch, responding to a text from a fuck boy, picking up a shift at work, and dating someone. Maybe this is something you struggle with also. You feel unsure about what you want and end up doing things other people want to do. Because with life, you get what you demand for.

So you have to ask yourself, what do you want?

Without considering what other people want from you, figure out what you want. Take your time. Write it out. What do you want? Why do you want it? What’s preventing you from getting? Is there something you’re afraid of losing? What are you fearful of?

About a year ago I started seeing this guy. I was so convinced that he was someone that I had been looking for. He was well educated, ambitious, accomplished, independent, curious minded, mature, and we had great chemistry. “This is as good as it’s going to get” or so I thought. I was so infatuated with the idea of him and who I thought he was, that I was bending over backwards to make it work. I let him manipulate me, walk all over me, disrespect me and I did whatever he wanted because I wanted it to work so badly. I knew that everything coming out of his mouth were lies, but I never confronted him because that was the one advantage I had over him. For as long as he didn’t know what I knew, he couldn’t lie his way out of the lies and manipulate me even more. Knowledge is power, remember that.

I was afraid of leaving because I didn’t think I could find someone better. I didn’t think I deserved better. “What if I’m making a mistake?” Well, often times, I was more upset than I was happy with him. I was tired of lies and I had to stand up for myself and say “No. I’m not okay with this and I don’t want this.” So one day, I decided to excavate this person out of my life. I simply blocked him on instagram and he seemed to have gotten the point because he didn’t text me until 6 months later. He texted me out of no where literally just saying “Yo”. How meaningful?

Nope. Not today honey. Not tomorrow or the day after. We’re not doing this anymore. I’m not entertaining people I don’t want to entertain. I’m not going to bend over backwards for someone and I’m going to stand up for myself and demand things out of life.

You can rise to my standards of be left in the dust.

Easy to say, hard to do. I’m struggling with it even now. It’s always going to be a constant battle with yourself. Sometimes the easier route is to just say “yes” and go with the flow, but easier isn't always what’s best for you. This isn’t specific to relationships but also extends to everything ranging from friendships to work and family.

Whatever you do, don’t let fear fuel your decisions. Make a decision after long thought of what you want and whether this person or thing in front of you has risen to your standards or not. Don’t be afraid to demand things from your life. Don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t be afraid to let people walk out of your life. If anything, open the door for them to leave. People will constantly come and go. We meet people because there is something to be gained and learned. Maybe they’ll be around for a while or maybe a short second. But no matter what, don’t mistake someone else’s happiness for your own.

So let’s use this year to really challenge ourselves in putting ourselves first. It’s not going to be easy and it’ll definitely hurt but that’s what it takes to do what’s right for you.